h1

Our Story

One life to live.  That is it.  I want to know I am doing exactly what God designed me to do.  I dreamed of motherhood, but it is not all my dream.  I dream of many things.  When Jason and I started talking seriously about “getting pregnant”, I took my heart to the Lord.

“God, please make me barren like Rachael if it is not your plan for us to have children, but please make me like Leah, if it is.” Genesis 29.  One month later the positive pregnancy test changed everything.

The excitement of pregnancy came in a wave, but I also questioned if it really came from the Lord.  Is this something that just happened?  Am I really in the center of God’s plan?  Is this the answer to my prayer?  My heart prepared more for the possibility I could not have children as a result of my petition.  Like the Apostle Paul I desire to be fruitful for the Kingdom and if that meant no children, I willingly accepted that fate.  Yet I trust the Lord heard my prayer.

——————

Months earlier I scheduled to join a small team from the church going to Asia for a special meeting.  I diligently researched the health risks of traveling in the first trimester and nothing on the internet gave me much concern, so I continued with my plans.

A little over two weeks later, while I hosted a hall table at church during the weekend services, I suddenly felt like I started my cycle.  I excused myself to the restroom and hustled into the stall… my heart sank.  Blood?  Why am I bleeding?

I immediately delegated my responsibilities, informed Jason, and drove to Urgent Care.  Hours passed as I waited to be seen, then blood drawn and tests processed.  Finally the the doctor called me in.

Jason, my friend Laura, and I watched the ultrasound and listened to the doctor explain her concern.   “At this far along in the pregnancy a baby with a heartbeat can usually be seen.  We do not see what it.  That, coupled with your other symptoms, leaves me with the diagnosis of threatened miscarriage.” The doctor explained with very little sympathy.

Threatened miscarriage?  What does that mean?  She advised me to come back in two days to the walk-in clinic.

My trip to Asia cancelled through many tears.  “God, what are You doing?  I trust You in this, but I do not understand. I am fine not being pregnant, but then I get pregnant and now am not really pregnant?” For two days I continually meditated on Jesus as the Author of Life (Acts 3:15).  My only desire remains to live in the center of His will.  Yet why does He allow such fear and pain?  Only He can see the big picture of His grace.

Two days and streams of prayers later, I signed in at the walk-in clinic at Kaiser.  My team to Asia prepared for the flight as I prepared for the worst and hoped for the best.  This time Doctor Clayton performed another ultrasound and within a minute took off his gloves as he pushed his examination chair back and said, “why don’t you get dressed and meet me in my office.”

What is the news?  Is it something minor?  Serious?  As I stepped into his office, I noticed Asian artifacts decorating his windowsill.  “Did you go to Asia?” I asked.

“Yes.  It is a beautiful place,” He said as he sat in the chair at his desk and motioned me to sit across from him.  At that moment, I could almost feel God’s blanket of peace wrap around me. Out of all the doctors in all the places, God led me to the “Asian office.”  I couldn’t go to on the trip, but God brought a piece of it to me as if He whispered, “I am right here with you.”

God is the God of details and those artifacts calmed my spirit with peace knowing I am right in the psalm of His hand. Dr. Clayton kindly explained to me a bunch of jargon that I understood at the time and don’t remember now.  Basically, he concurred with the diagnosis, however, he said it could be a few things: starting to have a miscarriage,  a tubular pregnancy, or something else that he could not explain.  “But there definitely is no baby.  However, to be sure, I am going to send you down to radiology and let them take a more advanced look at your entire system.  Give me a call tomorrow to talk about the results.”

The technician at the hospital wore hawaiian print scrubs.  Her fun, gentle spirit relaxed the tense situation.  It neared 5:00 closing time, but she took her time and talked talked me through the procedure. I asked her, “I know you are not a doctor and I am not asking you to diagnose me, but can you see if there is a baby?”

A few moments of silence past.  “The doctor will talk to you, but from what I can see, you have a healthy uterus, but no baby.”

I started to bawl.  I tried to hold it in, but the emotions could not hold back their fervor.  She finished the procedure and gave me a hug.  “You will be okay.  Many women go through this,” she assured me like a mother.

Jason worked late that night at Vacation Bible School, so my friend Kim picked me up at the house and treated me to dinner.  God provided the perfect friend at that moment.  She listened, let me cry and share my pain, and counseled me.

“I just feel ashamed and embarrassed.  I know it is not my fault, but somehow I feel like it is.  Even though the baby just began to form, I feel like I lost a huge part of me…. now what?  Do I wait until I just start cramping and bleeding more?”

That night when she left, I expressed my frustration with God.  “Lord, I know You are in control.  I know I want to be in the center of Your will.  I know You are the one who gives and takes away, but this, Lord?  This?  First, when I get married, dad dies.  Now, when I am pregnant, I lose the baby.  I don’t understand Your ways and I am angry.  I still love You, but I am angry.  Why can’t a major blessing ever just be a blessing?”

When Jason came home he just held me for hours and we prayed together.

The next day Dr. Clayton called in the late morning.  “I think you already know, but just as I suspected, there is no baby.  Why don’t you come down early Friday morning and take more blood work.  If your hormones are going down like I think they will, then we can confirm this is a miscarriage in process and go from there.”

Click.  Friday?  Three days of waiting.  Tuesday, no baby.  Friday, blood work.

Jason came with me to do the blood work on Friday morning and we headed home and crawled back into bed and cuddled; both of us a bit melancholy, but at peace.

Not soon thereafter Dr. Clayton called. “Your hormones are skyrocketing, which is very strange for this situation.  I need you to come back in right away for another ultrasound.”

Jason and I threw on clothes and headed back to the office.  Dr. Clayton met Jason for the first time.  “Not sure what is going on.  Your hormones are on the high end of a normal pregnancy, but your uterus sac was empty a few days ago.  Now I am suspecting an ectopic pregnancy.  Best case, we will see a baby right now,” He said almost as a wish.

A few moments into the ultrasound he told Jason, “come and see the screen,” as he turned it towards me.”  Jason came to the bedside and held my hand.  “See that?” He said as he pointed to a very tiny blur.

“I think I see it,” I said to myself, but it actually took me a few moments to see what he pointed to.  A fuzzy small blur with a little flash.

“That is a baby with a heartbeat!” Dr. Clayton said with a voice of relief.

Jason squeezed my hand and kissed my forehead.  A huge boulder of anxiety floated away with his kiss.  “I cannot explain this.” Dr. Clayton said.  “In my opinion, I don’t know why three days ago there was no baby and now there is, but congratulations!”

Three days.  For three days I thought by baby died, yet God brought it to life on the third day.  From my initial prayer, to the Asian office, to the loss of the baby, to the life of the baby— I know… the Lord is the giver of life.  He is the One who gives.  He is the One who takes away.  Just as He rose from the grave on the third day to life, He breathed life into my womb on the third day.  Whatever His plans are for me, they include the child in my womb.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: