Blogging from a new location

Hello faithful blog readers!

Thanks for sharing in the preganacy, Kavin’s trials, and the new-mom journey with me.  It has been full of lessons and God’s grace (to say the least-lol).  I just started a new blog (look and function in process), but will be blogging from that site now… http://www.missionsmindedmama.com.  I figured that I am no longer pregnant, so needed a re-vamp and a platform I can write from for years to come.  Let’s face it, once a mama, always a mama! 🙂

Hope my musings encourage you and/or those you love.

Seana

Lessons from the Hesitant Jogger

God has blessed me with a neighbor who lives four houses down from me, also a stay-at-home mom.  She is so sweet, kind, and encouraging.  Such an answer to prayer.

So, she is very active and fit and enjoys running.  I hate running, well, I use to.  This Thursday will be the fourth time I will go out with her to jog (and admittingly walk) and I am feeling great!

It seems, however, that every time we go out, she says, “you want to run gazzillion miles?” with a smile on her face.  Well, actually, the first time it was 2, the second time we jogged a little more than 2, but TODAY… yikes!  It was 3, but 1.5 miles down hill… and you guessed it, 1.5 miles up hill.  For those who know the area, we went from Chattsworth to Nordoff on Balboa and back.

So, my thoughts:

As I was jogging the first 1.5 miles I thought “I can’t make it” and then I told myself, just focus on the next step.  Can you make that?  Yes, and yes, and yes.  And I jogged the whole 1.5 miles!  Granted I was still slower than my “coach”, but I made it!  I was thinking… any hard or difficult season, if we look ahead at the whole way we think “I can’t”, but if we focus on the next step only, soon we find ourselves going further than we could imagine.

Another thought as I pushed myself and the stroller up a killer hill, “Oh!!!  So THIS is what it means in Habbakuk that He will make my feet like hinds feet!”  Youv’e got to go up the hills to get the feet.  For a moment I imagined Jesus walking right there with me saying, “you can do it!  Keep on going!  I am with you!”  As so, in order to have “spiritual hinds feet” we have got to push through some tough “hills” in life… but then, we will leap from mountain top to mountain top, praising the Lord.  I am looking forward to both my physical and spiritual hinds feet.

Habbakuk 3:19 The Lord GOD is my strength, And He has made my feet like hinds’ feet, And makes me walk on my high places.

 

 

 

Dissipation

Dissipation.  That is a big word, even to this “journalism major” from college.  I visited SomaLA this weekend, a church in Burbank, and the speaker preached on Luke 21 about the end times… cool stuff.  When he got to verse 34 and read “dissipation” I ASSUMED it was something bad like being under the influence of a substance… but no.  I was wrong… AND wow… I needed to know what it meant!

Dictionary.com has a great definition that brings it home for me:  a wasting by misuse.  When Jesus was giving instructions to His disciples about the end times He virtually said, “Don’t waste!”  I infer that this infiltrates all areas of my life.  Don’t waste my time, don’t waste my resources, don’t be lazy, etc.  But in a positive way, what it means is be intentional!  Be dilligent!  Make the most of every opportunity! Utilize all your reources for what pleases the Lord.  Every miniute is important to the preparation for the end.

Being a stay-at-home mom, I can easily justify wastefulness in my lack of dilligence by saying, “I am taking care of my son.”  But the reality is, there is so much more my HEART can do in the fullness of the day by praying and worshipping.  It doesn’t change the schedule one bit.  Every chore still gets done… it is not another weight or burden, but it breaths life and purpose and Kingdom stewardship into everything.

I am tired of feeling weighed down.  Do this, do that.  Don’t to this.  Don’t do that.  You really should be more like that… all the while trying to manufacture a holy life with unholy striving… Yet the Gospel says in Luke 21:34, “be on your guard so your hearts willnot be weighed down with dissipation, drunkeness and the worries of life…”  Whew!  The Gospel is good news because it frees us from the weight of the world and brings us into freedom.  It is for freedom that Christ set us free, so therefore to not be bound again to the yoke of slavery (paraphrase Galatians 5:1).

I came home this Sunday asking the Lord to breath the life of the Gospel into every knook and cranny.  To reveal the idols of my heart and tear down those high places where I try to satisfy my soul with false things.  The biggest thing He revealed to me is being so busy and “productive” yet being weighed down by misuse of time.  What a wonderful revelation.  What a wonderful promise that as I seek the Lord, my heaviness turns to freedom and my dissipation… into purposeful life-giving moments.

Light and Shadow

Light and shadow work together to highlight the landscape of our lives… choose to focus only on the shadows and we cannot see the light… choose to see only the light and we lose the contrast that defines them both, creating the beautiful landscape.  When we stand back and see the whole picture, we see the reason and need for both. Thankful for shadows and light in my life today.

– thought as I read the Word and glance out my window to the back yard.

John 8:12 Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, “ I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life.”

Prayer Works

I just spent a week with my cousins and Aunt from PA and absolutely had a wonderful staycation with them.  Their boys are such a joy to be around and full of life.  Aunt Janice is more like a second mom than my aunt. Kavin, my one-year-old yelled in excitement every day he saw the boys.

In all the fun and the hustle and bustle of a wirlwind vacation, there was a sweeter connection happening that we didn’t have before.  Matt, my cousin, and Barbie, his wife, have been going to church for a while now and are hungry for Jesus.  It blessed my heart to the deepest places to know they are getting fed on a regular basis with scripture and fellowship and I enjoyed listening to them share about their faith journeys.  I learned some new things from them this week about scripture and Matt’s thoughtful questions going further after the sermon energized my spiritual curiousity.  I write this with tears in my eyes, grateful for God answering my prayers for many years: that Matt would desire a deep realtionship with Jesus.  Thank you, GOD!

As I dove into the scriptures myself this morning, the Lord led me to Thessalonians 1:5- “for our gospel did not come to you in word only, but also in power and in the Holy Spirit and with full conviction.”  I am reminded that it is the Holy Spirit’s work to draw each of us into conviction.  We still have a choice and we need to pray for those we love, but the Holy Spirit’s work, not our own, is what draws us to Himself.  This week I witnessed the Holy Spirit drawing my loved ones to Himself and I am grateful to the very depths of my being.

I never thought I would be sitting in a church worshipping with Matt… and there we were, with both our families… listening to the Word and learning about the disciples.

So, we did lots of fun things this week, and all the boys (including my own) enjoyed romping around So. Cal. together.  For me, the greatest gift was seeing my cousin, whom I love so much, be interested and excited about the things of God.  It encourages me to continue to pray and trust that the Holy Spirit is working… even if I can’t see.  We are all on a journey with ups and downs, smooth times and rough.  I am grateful that the Lord allowed me to spend time with him this week and get a glimpse at Matt on his journey… as a husband, father, and believer.  I am proud of who he is and excited to see him next year when we visit.

Prayer works!  Pray for those you love and don’t lose heart… the Spirit is at work.

 

The Gospel

The Gospel is not some pithy catch phrase to gloss over our lives and make them whitewashed with goodness.  The Gospel isn’t some bumper sticker we place on our car as we join a club.  Instead, the Gospel is an invading force of light that penetrates every pore of our being until we ourselves become light so all the world might see.  It is my greatest pursuit that more of Jesus live in me today than yesterday.  That is only made possible by the provision of the Gospel.  You see, I use to SAY I believe, like some still do, but then live our lives as if the Gospel has no power.  It doesn’t.  Not in a life that believes but doesn’t embrace.  One of the scariest verses in the Bible for me is James 2:19- “You believe that God is one. You do well; the demons also believe, and shudder.”  What is this faith then, that saves us?  It is the faith that chooses to allow Christ to transform us by HIS grace and not by our own attempts.  From death to life.  From darkness to light. From brokeness to wholeness.  From sinful to holy.  All made possible by the Gospel by which we live:  Christ lived perfect, died a sinner’s death, rose to life, and ascended into Heaven.  It’s simple… yet simply life altering.For me, the Gospel is everything.  It not only saves my soul from hell, but gives me everything I need for life and godliness.  When famine comes, it is my sustenance. When doubt comes, it is my truth. When fear comes, it is my peace.  I know that in the Gospel, I am nothing, but Christ in me is everything.  What a relief!  What a joy!  What a promise!

Sometimes I am scared at the reality of the Gospel.  As a believer I skim over the grotesque nature of sin so that I can live a comfortable life, not consumed with the depravity of others in order to penetrate my light in a way that will lead them away from darkness.  The questions we are faced with today with the ever-increasing wickedness around, the dissolution of morality, the severity of sickness and catastrophe;  I don’t have the answers for, so I often remain silent.  I excuse my responsibility by thinking “I don’t know the Bible enough, I don’t know their situation enough, I don’t want to damage our relationships.”

Well, the real only foolish thing is to remain silent on the one thing I do know.  Christ is life.  What that means in the places of sickness and poverty, I wish it could magically erase these devastations now (it will some day when Christ returns!).  But I am learning that the hope of the Gospel, the transforming nature of the Creator working in the lives of the believers; is available for anyone, even an awful sinner like me.  It’s not for the faint of heart, but for the brave.  It meets all of us where we are at and gives us the hope and purpose for it all … the good and the bad.  For the adventure He has me on takes me to uncomfortable places within my self and within the world.

The Gospel is not some pity catch phrase to gloss over our lives and make them whitewashed with goodness.  The Gospel is to die to myself so that others might live.  The Gospel gives me life… the Gospel is my life.  He died so I might live… and the life I live, I live by faith in Jesus Christ so others might live.  Yes, it’s sloppy.  No, I am not perfect.  But I desire to be changed from the inside out.  No whitewashed tomb here… just an overhaul in process…. thanks to the power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Yet, I will praise Him

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines.
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock would be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,

YET (emphasis mine) I will exult in the Lord,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
The Lord is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds’ feet
And makes me walk on my high places.

This basically sums up the first year of motherhood for me. Yes… there have been thousands of joys every day and I love watching Kavin grow. I would not exchange the divine privilege of being home with him with anything in the world, YET… it has not been easy. From his possible death the first month of life, to transitioning to full-time motherhood… there have been many days I didn’t know if I could do it.

However, it has been in my weakness that Christ REALLY has made me stronger.  He has taken my broken, crippled feet… and given me hinds feet.  Although I am still in process, I am amazed at how far His grace has brought me in just one year’s time.

I also look around at the trials I see going on: famines, earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, disease… and I too can see in these that followers of Christ or not, we ALL go through trials of various kinds.

It seems to me that we, as the church at large, do not talk about the Christian life as one of toilsome perseverance as we pitch a rose-colored Gospel to would-be followers of Christ, but following Christ does not keep us exempt from hard times. From the pages of Scripture in the verses of Habakkuk, I can see it all clearly…

Life sucks sometimes, yet even in all the mud and mire, the Lord is our strength… and THROUGH it all (not around it all) He will make our legs like hinds feet so when calamity strikes again, we will be able to rise above it and leap from the mountain top of joy, to the mountaintop of promise.

I imagine myself writing poetry like the passage in Habakkuk. As I look at current world events, my poem may look something like this:

Though the economy may fail
And children die from starvation
Though houses wash away
And marriages dissolve
Though countries rage war over greed
And the poor remain in need

YET… I will exult in the Lord,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation
The Lord is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds’ feet
And makes me walk on my high places.

Jesus promises us trouble… and victory. There is no victory without adversity.  The Gospel is summed up in this… that He DIED (adversity) and ROSE (victory) from the dead!  So too will we in Christ Jesus.

Objects in the Mirror are Closer than they Appear

Objects in the Mirror are Closer than they Appear

I drove home from church and glanced in the rear view mirror to see if Kavin fell asleep in the car seat.  The warning “objects in the mirror are closer than they appear” popped in my head.  Something so routine prompted a reflection.

When Kavin struggled for life the days after his birth, doctors would not tell us how long he would stay in the hospital; or when we would know if he would survive; if his lung would ever develop; if he had brain damage from the lack of oxygen.  So many questions and no answers.

A month is not a long time in the scheme of things, but when every moment, every breath is weighed with the unknowns of life, of time, of hope… not knowing how long the trial will last makes the longevity of it seem more perilous.

Yet, had I known from the beginning that he would be there a month, maybe I would have missed seeing God as clearly as I did… because I wouldn’t have needed Him as desperately.  The thing is, we never know how long a trial will last.  We don’t know what life is like on the other side of a hard season.  Is it a small wasteland or years of wandering through the wilderness?  Will we die in the wilderness or enter the promise land?

I am reminded, however, that the God who created the world and my very life, sees all that is ahead and is with me now.  He knows the boundaries of the various trials we travel through and sustains us in the moment.

I also see now that in the moment of peril, I quickly enter into jittery impatience, wanting to push through to get the hard part over with.  In that determination, I sometimes throw a proverbial temper tantrum and then laugh at myself when I realize that the closure of the difficult time was closer than it appeared.

Instead of an object, my imagination thinks:  seasons in the mirror are closer than they appear.  Life is in seasons.  Some are treacherous, some relaxing, but one thing we can be sure of, one season leads to the next.  As the Apostle Paul wrote, “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.”  (Ephesians 5:15-17, NIV) Let us not get so caught up in the difficulty, that we miss making the most of the moment.  There is always something we can do to shine our light to others… even when we sit in a dark cave ourselves.

Jesus: My Stillness

I sat in silence in my prayer closet: the floor of our 1/2 bath off the kitchen.  The only place in the house I am not distracted with to-dos and un-dones.  I close my eye to nestle into God’s presence.  Just to be still.  Listen.  He has heard enough from me today.  I need to hear from Him.  Then a picture comes that explains.  He shows me my state… and His power.

It is night-time.  The sky a deep blue with thick dominating clouds tinted deep silvers where the moon highlights their shape.  I sit in the front of a little fisherman boat holding onto the oar, wearing a thick jacket and jeans.  All alone.  A storm rages around me as if waves are dancing to a climatic clashing orchestra of clanging instruments.  I need not look around and fall dismayed.  I know there is nowhere to go as the threatening waves swirl upwards and declare total destruction.

I watch the front of the boat move softly along the water as dry as a vessel in a pond. I glide along in total peace.  Each movement unpredictable, yet stable and secure.  Perfect stillness infuses my inner being as the gentle breeze pushes me forward. Smooth waters invisible to the eye lead me on the course of His choosing.

If for a moment I pose a doubt or fear the waves; if for a moment I mistrust or calculate in self-sufficiency, the salty waters would rip through me like abrasive sand paper and destroy my life completely.

The secret is not my navigator strategy or assessment of weather patterns.  The secret is not my tenacity to dodge 100 foot walls of gnarly waves.  The secret is remaining surrendered, secure, and confident in the One who created both the sea and me from the depths of the earth.

The Name of the Lord is a strong tower.  The righteous run into it and are safe.- Psalm 18:10

A Year with Kavin in Review

It has been a while since I have wrttien publicly.  Just needed a break to allow God to work in me in the quiet places of my heart.  Although I am still in the thick of this private journey of transformation in this season, an awesome experience happened today that I must share with those of you who cared enough to pray us through the firey ordeal almost a year ago.

———-

So, Kavin had a scheduled special xray for his diaphragm at the Kaiser hospital on Sunset, where he spent the first month of his life.  I honestly did not want to go today.  Not because it jarred us out of his normal nap routine, but because it shook me back to a place of remembrance.  I started crying this morning even before we lef the house.  Mixed emotions.  Mostly grateful, but some I can’t even explain. Like going back to the that place somehow hit a bruised part of my soul.  It hurt.

I rushed out of the house to make the 9am appointment.  Rush hour traffic, no fun.  One the way down I prayed and listened to the Christian station to try to get focused for the day.  As I pulled up and drove into the parking structure for the hospital, the Spirit nudged in the way He does,  “don’t see this place as a negative thing.  This place is like an alter of remembrance, a celebration pillar of what I have done.”  Peace.  The same cloud of peace that carried us through those tough uncertain weeks washed over me.

We made our way to the appointment and were attended to by an Indian middleaged man, who was a bit ackward and shy at first.  However, Kavin’s smile and scrambled words quickly got him out of his shell.  We chit chatted throughout the procedure and as he walked me out to the waiting room again, our conversation turned serious.  He opened up to me about the desires of his heart and about the gal that he is living with.  I encouraged him to do what would be most pleasing to God and He would reward and guide him.

During the video x-ray, called a florascopy, the radiologist said that Kavin’s diaphragm looks like it is working well, praise the Lord!  A layer of relief and weight lifted from my heart that I didn’t even know I carried.  Thank You, Jesus.

The picture the surgeon sent us on 4.12.10

I decided to get a cup of coffee on the way back to the car.  As I walked up to the line, I noticed one of the attending surgeons for Kavin was in line in front of me!  What?  Of all the times he could come to the coffee stand!  I was so jazzed to show him Kavin and what a joy our baby boy is.  We enjoyed talking about the goodness of life and our miracle.  He ended up buying me my coffee and we greeted eachother with the “best” for the future.

As I walked back to the car with my squirmy and fussy bundle of joy (it was passed his nap time), I just spilled over the brim with gratitude that the Lord really made my “pillar of remembrance” trip into a sweet time of encouragment and healing.

The last couple weeks I have been reflecting on how much life has changed since Kavin… how much I am changing as a woman of God.  I really am a different person, being transformed from the inside out.  And I love it.  I love the woman God is creating in me.  One who is more focused on relationships rather than tasks; I am becoming a woman of perseverance rather than immediate gratification (can we say laundry? lol); my prayer life is deepening as I go about my daily “automatic” duties; I am learning my value is not in WHAT I do, but in my relationship with Christ.  Most of all, I am learning to be a servant in everything.  I thought I was.  Now I realize, I have a lot to learn yet.  When life is spent and all is said and done, I am learning that I want to say, “I followed Christ every step of the way.”  From the international fields… to the mission of the home… and what ever else God leads me to.

This year has been what seems like the most difficult year for me.  Transitioning from public ministry and working in my administrative gifts to day in and day out serving in the home- has been a journey of surrender, and yet still surrendering more.  Sometimes kicking and screaming like a two-year-old before the Lord.

This year has changed me… and I like the woman I am becoming.  Being humbled is hurtful, but in the end, I will be a vessle ready for the smith.

Thank you for praying with me and for us this past year.  Your prayers have made all the difference. AMEN!